The 12 sad steps of dating apps 2

The 12 sad steps of dating apps

If you’re like me, you are awkward online.

Let’s talk about how this plays out in dating apps.

  1. Install App.
  2. Enters first name—ok that was easy.
  3. Find a picture—um, let me look…
  4. Find another one—DOES NOT EXIST.
  5. Ok, this will do *cringe*
  6. Make your bio—who am I, anyway?
  7. *swipes*
  8. No matches.
  9. Who likes me?
  10. Pays $ to see who likes me.
  11. Deletes app.
  12. Repeat when loneliness threshold is crossed.

Most people are on dating apps

When I say most, I mean, if you want to find a date: use a dating app. Because serendipity is just way to creepy nowadays.

Living with reality is a practical way to engage with the world. This is how I approach living; and so for those folks that wish to engage in the popular mechanics of our cultural zeitgeist to connect with others, but don’t know where to start: we now have the adaptive soul technology for the digital revolution: AI.

How to sound normal on dating apps

The spiritual bandwidth afforded by dating apps is thin. The nuance of a bio and skin-bearing photo is precise—it must fit within the particular parlance of each respective dating app, while also resonating with the values/goals/aspirations of your dream Swiper.

For instance, a dating app bio for Jim on looks different than his bio. This isn’t because Jim is 2 different people; he is simply adjusting his patois to the app vibe. The range of possibilities is anywhere between the dryness of a resume and a ridiculous, self-deprecating humble-brag.

Authenticity isn’t a practical concept

Truly authentic people are more often castaways, private citizens engaged in the magic of reality, bandits, hermits, Taoist’s, incongruent YouTube personalities and insufferable CEOs and artists. This isn’t the vibe we are going for on dating apps, sadly.

On dating apps, it is best to appear similar, but unique. Familiar, but curious.

It’s impossible to express authenticity because when it is called authenticity, it instantly becomes not authentic. This is a Taoist concept: the Tao that can be mentioned is not the eternal Tao. In other words, a thing by it’s name is not the thing. If you have to ask, you’ll never know, kind-of-vibe.

We are searching for the Tao of your dating app bio—something that wasn’t concocted by you or a sociopathic coworker. It is actually concocted by the serendipity of billions of parameters that make up natural language; which might be called an authentic to humans. This is the authenticity we are looking for in the dating app context.

How AI can help

If you’re tired of hearing about all the things AI can do: I get it. It’s like hearing from your child about the new fun person your ex is dating and all the cool things they can do.

AI will be there when you need it, practically (this is where the metaphor stops). In this case: I need a dating coach.

I need assistance to sound normal within the app context, while expressing, or revealing the nuances of my personality that will help me find ‘my person’; or at least my person for the next few weeks, months, years or decades.

AI can help us to express ourselves authentically—all we have to do is get out the way, then our authenticity can finally be revealed to the pool of our geolocated prospects. It is only when we stop trying to be authentic, that we can be authentic—AI can capture and rephrase some of the magic that happens when we stop trying to be authentic.

How can AI do this?

Find out at

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. To admit defeat and ask an AI—we already do this with Google everyday—for some guidance. And this isn’t Google. It’s an app designed and developed by Newcolor to help you write personalized dating app bios, conversation starters and come up with unique date ideas.

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